Roster Rescue/Script

Pre-Battle

Lissa: AAAAAACK! Chrom! Oh, Chrom, it's terrible!
Chrom: What's the matter, Lissa?!
Lissa: Monsters! Huge, horrible, ugly, smelly, rotting monsters!
Chrom: Rotting monsters? ...A Risen attack?
Lissa: Nuh-uh—these were definitely NOT ordinary Risen. They had shackles and, and arrows stuck in 'em all over and, and... Oh, and their bodies glowed blood red! They were terrifying! And, and—
Chrom: Easy, Lissa. First things first: Where did you see these creatures?
Lissa: Right here in camp! In the barracks! A bunch of them barged in and—
Frederick: And stole our army's roster. Forgive me milord, I was napping... They caught me with my pants down.
Chrom: Not literally, I hope…
Lissa: You saw them too, Frederick?
Chrom: Are the others all right? Are we still in danger?
Frederick: No, milord. We're safe...for now... But these were no ordinary revenants. I managed to strike one as they withdrew. The sound it made chilled my blood... It sounded almost like...a laugh... Clearly some new dark art is at work here. Someone made them bigger...stronger... I shudder to think what such a foe could be planning to do with our roster…
Chrom: Wait a moment... That's all they took? A single rooster?
Frederick: Roster, milord. THE roster.
Lissa: Is it the one that won't shut up every sunrise? 'Cause they can have that one…
Frederick: Not a rooster—a ROSTER! You know, the roster...? As in, the book...? The one Robin is always reading?
Chrom: Oh, er, yes, of course. THAT roster... *Ahem* Um...yes. Perhaps you should remind Lissa why we should care that it's gone missing?
Frederick: That roster contains details on every soldier in our entire army! Names, birth dates, backgrounds, and...dare I say it... Slightly embarrassing personal tidbits!
Chrom: Embarrassing tidbits...? What embarrassing tidbits?
Frederick: Well...regarding you, milord, it says you are "the most likely to break things..."
Chrom: What?! Who would know such a th—I mean, who would write such a thing?!
Frederick: We are not certain, truth be told. Not even Robin understands how it works... New entries simply appear somehow whenever we take on a new recruit.
Chrom: Then this diabolical book must be destr—er, recovered! ...Recovered and protected!
Frederick: Indeed, milord. In our hands it is a useful tool, but to our enemies? Who knows what fiendish designs it could enable... The scandal! The ignominy!
Chrom: Then we are agreed. Ready the troops, Frederick.
Lissa: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa...whoa. Hold on just a minute here... You mean you actually want us to FIGHT those things?
Frederick: We either face them, or we live a lifetime of shame.
Lissa: B-but…
Frederick: OF SHAME, I SAY! At this very moment some monster could be reading about how you snort, milady…
Lissa: How I... But I... That's... ...... ...When do we leave?
Frederick: At once. I tracked the creatures into the ruins just ahead. We can catch them there if we hurry.
Chrom: Then there's no time to waste. Let's move.

Battle

Chrom: What is this place? It's teeming with Risen of all kinds!
Frederick: So it seems. Perhaps the thieves thought we would lose them in the crowds... If so, they're as dumb as they are ugly. They're twice the size of the others! See? There's one, two...three...(cursor focuses on each of the giant Revenants) Five, and...that's all? That can't be right.
Chrom: Why not?
Frederick: I counted seven when the roster theft occurred. I'm quite certain. And I saw them all enter these ruins. Could they have slipped away?
Chrom: Perhaps. Perhaps not. For now, let's focus on the threats we CAN see.
Frederick: As you say, milord. One of the mutant Risen must still have the roster. But the others... Any of them could know our secrets by now... Revenants do love to gossip, after all. ...Or so my hairdresser tells me... In any case, we'd best crush all of them! Our dignity is on the line!

(turn 7 player phase)

Frederick: There! There they are! The last two targets! They may already be privy to our secrets, milord... We mustn't let either of them escape!

Player battle-entry lines

These lines are spoken the first time a particular character enters the battle.

Robin: Why'd they have to take the roster? Of all the rotten luck... Our enemies could use that information for any number of nefarious purposes... Well, I'm going to get it back. And from now on, I'm taking better care of it!
Chrom: Who knew we had a roster? And from the sounds of it, quite a scandalous one... Well, my army's reputation is MY reputation. I have to get that book back!
Lissa: Hey! Does that book really say I snort? Come on, you don't honestly believe that stuff, do you? HAH! *snort* ...... ...Okay, now you have to die.
Frederick: I may have been sleeping, but still—the book was stolen on my watch. Perhaps had I not stayed up half the night sketching designs for Chrom's new poster... Nevertheless, the time for redemption has come. Prepare to hand over that roster!
Sully: Don't try to intimidate me with gossip. I'm a respectable lady, dammit. And no matter what that thing says, I assure you I'm a fine cook! Now gimme back that roster before I shove it up your undead exit pipe!
Virion: A secret is naught but a secret discovery by another name. And...perhaps you have made some "sweet discoveries" about our ladies? I am all ears. ...Hmm? Why are you glaring at me? I have only the noblest of intentions!
Vaike: The Vaike isn't afraid of this cloak-and-dagger nonsense. You want to know a dirty secret? I'll tell you a dirty secret: the Vaike doesn't HAVE any secrets! Har har!
Stahl: I hope you didn't read that book. ...I mean, not that I should care. I'm the most forgettable Shepherd around. My page is probably blank. Gods, that might be the most depressing secret of them all…
Miriel: How opprobrious of me to overlook a book while cataloguing our library. And how utterly vexing that YOU be privy to its knowledge and not me! Once we have recovered this "roster," I intend to see it managed more carefully.
Kellam: I imagine everyone else is panicking because they're so interesting. So, uh...since you've probably peeked at the roster, maybe you can tell me. ...Am I even in there?
Sumia: I don't care one bit what saucy tales are written about me... But I won't stand for you spreading nasty rumors about my comrades! Now return the roster or face my wrath! I mean it!
Lon'qu: I haven't got any secrets you could possibly use against me. So it matters not what you—hmm? ...Why are you grinning like that? WHAT DID YOU READ?!
Ricken: I'm sure the roster goes on and on about how I'm just some kid. Well...you can't believe every rumor you hear! I may look like a child, but I fight like at LEAST one and a half grown man!
Maribelle: I am, of course, far too noble to have any embarrassing secrets. I sleep quite soundly knowing that I am the absolute pinnacle of propriety! ...What is that look? Don't tell me the book suggests otherwise?!
Panne: If word gets out that a taguel has survived, the men who killed my kind may return. I cannot put my comrades in danger for harboring me. The secret dies with you.
Gaius: You probably read the roster, right? Tell me everything you know. Do we have any talented cake chefs? Any secret heirs to a cookie fortune? Talk, damn you! These are things I must know!
Cordelia: So what fascinating secrets have you uncovered about me? It says I'm compensating with this breastplate, doesn't it? ...Well, that's one secret I'm afraid you're going to have to take back to the grave!
Gregor: Why you care so much about Gregor's secrets? Is in love with Gregor? Gregor not ashamed about age or about crick in back. Therapist says is normal. Eh? Why you make funny face? That's it—Gregor demand you hand over roster!
Nowi: I can't believe you found out ALL my secrets! So now you know where I stash all my shiny rocks and scales and everything? Information like that can ruin a person. I can't let you get away!
Libra: I have nothing unwholesome to hide, but the idea of this roster still rankles me. If silencing you helps bring this war to a swifter end, I suppose it can't be helped. May the gods forgive you for seeking knowledge beyond your grasp…
Tharja: Let's make a deal. You tell me what the roster says about Robin, and I'll let you go. Especially if it's a juicy secret no one else knows... ...No response, huh? Oh dear. Too bad for you…
Olivia: Don't tell me ALL of you Risen have peeked at that book? No... This is mortifying! How can I possibly go on living? Well...if this is the end, then I'm taking you with me! All of you!
Cherche: My, my... You Risen might be the most adorable I've yet seen. But it's not very lovable to run off with other people's secrets, now is it? I'm afraid Minerva and I may just have to get stern with you...
Henry: Aww, you peeked at the roster? Now you must know all my perverted little secrets. That's not fair! You'll just have to tell me YOUR secrets...like how much you'll shriek when you die!
Lucina: Are you the wretched thief who stole my father's most intimate secrets? How could you? I'm his daughter, and I barely know anything about the man! Sorry. That's...my issue, isn't it. Anyway... I'll have that roster or I'll have your life!
Say'ri: I have, on occasion, had the chance to view the roster while assisting Robin. I cannot say I saw anything that justifies this desperate attempt to reclaim it... But alas, if it is important to the group, it is important to me. Now hand it over!
Basilio: All right, monster, fess up—what all is written about me in that thing? Wait, don't tell me—as long as the word 'oaf' is not in there... ...... Oh, for the love of all that's holy... That's it—give it here, freak!
Flavia: My, it certainly takes guts to steal secrets from the khan regnant of Regna Ferox. I know your kind. Spies and traitors have been poking around me for years, and yet...no one's gotten away with so much as my shoe size. You're about to find out why!
Donnel: I'm just an ordinary farmhand, so I reckon I ain't got much in the way of dirty laundry. Least I don't think I do, anyway. ...Do I? Aww, bull plop. I'd better get that darned book back and find out what's in there…
Anna: Trust means everything in my business. A couple of bad rumors could ruin a girl! Say, handsome...have you read the roster? What does it say about little old me? ...Wait, why am I even asking? I'll just waste you and check it myself!
Owain: So you saw the roster and think you know all about me? Well, think again! The only place you'll find MY secrets inscribed is in the Manual of Justice! W-wait, what are you doing? Put that thing down! Don't you try to read that! HEY!
Inigo: You...you read my secrets? Did it have the one about...? Oh, gods, it did, didn't it? And that's just the tip of the iceberg... Any one of them could destroy me! If you were to tell anyone... No. No way. Those secrets die with you, fiend!
Brady: So what'd that thing say about me? That I'm nowhere near as strong as I look? That I update my dream journal every day? ...That milk gives me horrible gas? Aw, whatever. Go on and laugh it up. You can die with a smile!
Kjelle: Wait, so my foes could know something about me that I don't even know myself? Argh, what a devious distraction... What could that roster say about me?! No...I'm being silly. It's time to put these fears aside and lay you to rest!
Cynthia: So my foes know all my secrets? Wow! Having secrets is so totally hero-like! Wait, what am I talking about? I don't have anything to hide! Um... Well, whatever. Prepare to taste justice, dastardly secret thieves!
Severa: Are you the one with the roster? Leaking a maiden's secrets is despicable! The idea that filth like you might have dirt on my dear mother... UGH! ...By the way, did it say anything about any of her former lovers? Wait, what am I saying? DIE, thief!
Gerome: Ugh... What did it say about me in that roster? What do you know? About my insomnia? My receding hairline? Wait... Did it mention...Minervykins? I see what must be done. Sadly for you, the only guarantee of silence is death!
Morgan: Hey, so was there anything written about me in that roster?! I kind of have amnesia, you know, so if there was, I'd love to hear it! I'm not budging till you tell me everything! Even if it's embarrassing...I have to know!
Yarne: I m-must reclaim that roster! The pride of the taguel depends on it! If it leaked out that a taguel still existed, I'd be on every hunter's most-wanted list... They'd be after my fur, my meat... Ugh! I'm too young to be someone's lunch!
Laurent: Hmm. The roster may have detailed the highly reflective nature of my eyewear... Any foe who knew could look for the distant glint of reflected sun to find and ambush us. We could be massacred, and worse, my glasses shattered! We must retrieve it!
Noire: Eek! Wh-what do you know about me? What was written in that book?! Did it say anything about destroying my mother's cursing implements? It...it did? THEN YOUR FATE IS SEALED! I WILL HAVE YOUR SILENCE AND HAVE IT FOREVER!
Nah: I know that look. "You're that girl with the weird name in the roster," right? Ugh... Now even monsters think my name is ridiculous. This is so humiliating! Well, you'd better remember it well, 'cause it's the last name you'll ever hear!
Tiki: It's quite vexing not knowing what information of ours is out there... Long ago, I went through a bit of a rough patch, crying and brooding all the time... If that ever got out, my credibility as Naga's Voice could be severely hurt!
Gangrel: Please. I doubt that pathetic roster says anything worth a damn about me. But I'm not some whelp who robbed a candy shop, either. I've got REAL secrets. If there's a chance you saw any of them... Well, I think you know where this is headed!
Walhart: You saw the roster and think you know something about me? I care not a whit. If some puny egghead expects to fight me with knowledge, he's welcome to try. I'll leave him wishing he'd used that energy to train his sword arm instead!
Emmeryn: My...previous history... I want...to know...too... What do...you know...about me...?
Yen'fay: A man believed dead seemingly walks the earth still... Needless to say, knowledge such as this should remain hidden for all time. Lest the roster fall into the wrong hands, I must put an end to you here and now…
Aversa: Aren't you a naughty one, stealing a lady's secrets. What will you do with them? How can I repent for my former crimes if the gory details are spreading like wildfire? I apologize, dear, but for the sake of my redemption, I'm going to need you dead.
Priam: So you're the ones responsible for taking our roster? As a new recruit, I was hoping to use it to learn more about my companions. ...Why am I wasting my breath explaining this to you? Let the fighting commence!

Post-Battle

If all seven Revenants were defeated

Chrom: What a relief…
Lissa: I'll say... If word had gotten out, we'd have been the laughingstock of the entire realm!
Chrom: Well, one thing's for certain: it's high time I read that roster cover to cover.
Lissa: Me too! I want to know all of Robin's and Frederick's juicy little secrets... Especially since they knew ours and didn't even tell us!
Frederick: Pardons, did I hear my name?
Lissa: Ah, Frederick! Just the guy I'm looking for. What'd you do with that roster of ours?
Frederick: I returned it to Robin, milady. Why do you ask?
Lissa: Okay. Bye now!
Frederick: Er...bye?
Chrom: Heh, I think Lissa is planning to read up on you, Frederick. Revenants aren't the only ones who love to gossip, apparently.
Frederick: Heh, well, as she pleases. I have nothing to...hide... Oh, dear gods, wait. That... Wait, milady! WAAAAAAIT!

(scene change)

Chrom: Poor Robin... Keeping the roster from those two won't be much fun.
Robin: ...You don't know the half of it!
Chrom: Huh? ...Robin! What happened to you? Are those...bite marks?!
Robin: It's this damned roster! No one will leave me alone! The ones who aren't demanding revisions are trying to peek at the others' entries. I have to carry the blasted thing everywhere I go just to keep it safe! How did all of this fall on me, anyway? I didn't even write it!
Chrom: Well, you are our tactician. People just assume you're in charge of that sort of thing, I suppose. They'll get over the initial wave of curiosity soon enough. In the meantime, you might want to keep a low profile. And I mean Kellam low.
Robin: Heh... Sound advice... Oh, by the way, I found this pressed in the roster once we got it back.
Chrom: An Einherjar card?
Robin: Yes. This one says "Elder Sister Palla." She could be a useful ally.
Chrom: Looks like she's a flier. Perhaps you might hide the roster in her saddlebag.
Robin: Heh heh. Well, I suppose the card makes all this nonsense worth it. I'd best keep moving, though. I'll catch up with you later, Chrom.
Chrom: Oh, but, Robin...?
Robin: Hmm?
Chrom: Er...might I check the roster before you go? Just for a moment. It seems there's a mistake about me breaking things I'd like to correct…
Robin: *Siiiiiigh*

(should the player choose to recruit Palla)

Palla: I am at your bidding.

If any of the seven Revenants escape

Chrom: Well, we've recovered the roster...but we weren't able to contain all the revenants. So much for keeping a lid on our secrets…
Lissa: But I don't want people talking about my snorting! ...I mean, if I did snort…
Chrom: Cheer up, Lissa. It could be much worse. At least we're still alive. And sometimes humility can be a great teacher...as we're about to find out!